I know I am going to catch a lot of crap for this one, but just keep it to yourself. Unless, of course you agree with me, then yeah for us and bring it on! As Clairee Belcher would say, “well, you know what they say: if you don’t have anything nice to say about anybody, come sit by me!” (Steel Magnolias)
When was the last time you saw someone wearing something and thought, “hmm, that does not look good on you?” This is not what I am talking about.
I am talking about seeing someone wearing something so odd, too big, too small or just down right strange that it gets your attention and causes you pause/take notice. (Which is usually the point by the “wearer”)
Being from the South causes some folks to have a more critical “eye” than others. Face it, we all see things differently, but may not say it out loud! However, in the South, we do talk about you behind your back. This is a true fact whether you believe it or not.
I will leave tennis dresses out of this discussion, because that is an entirely different discussion in and of itself.
Moving forward, I am going to pick on teenagers first. Let’s face the fact that they are easy prey. I am not getting into the fads, styles or fashion that plagues every teenage generation. I had mine, they can have theirs. Mine involved neon clothing and hair sprayed so tight you could bounce a quarter off of it. You could not light a match near my hair or it would have gone up in flames like a bonfire. I have been through hundreds of bottles of Aqua Net hair spray in my time.
I remember my dad always questioning me about the latest doofy thing I was doing in attempt to be a cool teenager. I hated to have explain it to him. I later realized this was because I had no really good explanation. This just served to piss me off more! And, I was never cool teenager, to boot.
I tried to explain to my dad that I was showing my individuality. His normal response to this was something to the effect of, “if you are trying to show your individuality, then why do all of you girls look the same?” I also had no good explanation for this comment either.
So back to the point. Why are teenagers wearing pajamas as day clothing? They are called pajamas because you wear them to bed to sleep and then stay in them until noon, BUT at your house. I even get the morning breakfast crawl to Waffle House or iHop. However, after 12:00 pm, your clock has run out for pajama wear. You have probably been in them since mid afternoon yesterday anyway. Time to change clothes as you probably smell and need a shower. I am just sayin’.
This excludes pajama day at school. This would include the notion that you changed your pajamas from the night before in order to wear clean pajamas to school. Of course, you do know what is said about people making assumptions.
Do you realize that wearing your pajamas as day clothes “labels” you as a teenager? It is as if you have a business card that says, “I am a teenager.” It does not show individuality. It sends the message that you are just freakin’ lazy.
Moving on to clothes that are waaaay to big or waaaay to small.
If you are wearing clothes that are too big for you, it makes you look heavier than you are. I get that it is comfortable, and you think it makes you look cool. Just try not to do it all the time. I was a culprit of wearing clothes to big when I was younger, as well.
My gripe is clothes that are too small and people trying to stuff themselves into them. Nothing like being in public and someone is busting the seams of their clothes! It looks like an amoeba trying to escape through the top of a test tube.
I was out shopping one day, and this teenage girl had on below the waist line jeans and a cropped T-shirt on that was at least three sizes too small, and that was forgiving. I watched her for a moment as she caught my eye.
Every 15 to 20 seconds, she was pulling on some part of her outfit trying to cover her escaping flesh. She would pull at the sleeves, bottom of the shirt, top of the jeans or some other area to “stretch” the material to cover some part of her body that was desperately trying to escape her clothing. This behavior is only second in annoyance to girls flipping their hair every 19 seconds and giggling.
Due to the fact that I have the attention span of a fruit fly, I quickly lost interest. I was waiting for her to hand me a business card that stated she was, in fact, a teenager. I moved on to finish my shopping.
However, I ran into the same gal again later.
I took a moment to observe her behavior. She was trying to talk on her cell phone but kept having to switch hands in order to reach each piece of clothing she was trying to rearrange. She had the phone in her right hand and was pulling at her half shirt to pull it down with her left hand. She changed the phone to her left hand in order to reach her shirt sleeve to pull it down with her right hand. Then she put the cell phone on her shoulder to free up both hands. She used both hands to grab the top of her jeans and tried to wiggle some of her exposed body back inside of the jeans. All these adjustments were a failure. Every time she adjusted one area, another area of her body would spring free from the confines of the too tight clothing. She was jumping around so much it looked like she was trying to get a bug off of her or just walked threw a cob web!
I commend the fact that she was trying to cover herself. However, there is only so much material that can be stretched over our body mass. I wondered if she had considered buying the jeans in a size that actually fit her? I just thought it but did not say it out loud.
I have been many different sizes in my life. When I was heavier, I bought bigger clothes. When I lost weight, I bought smaller clothes. Logical? I am sure there were times I tired to squeeze my bigger self into smaller clothes but would soon realize the futility in doing this. I would then change clothes to something that fit.
I see some gals wearing pants so tight that body bulges slipping out everywhere desperately trying to escape the confines of the outfit. Thus, the invention of the statement “muffin top”. This, by the way, is not a compliment.
Young ladies, you are beautiful just the way you are at any weight. Wear clothes that show you off, not “show all you got”, as my grandmother used to say! Be comfortable with who you are at any weight or size! Search for clothes that accentuate your attributes. That means, identify what parts you like about yourself and wear clothes that show that off. Never let anyone harm your self-esteem. No one can harm you unless YOU let them.
By the way, I have seen teenage boys that do the same cotton pickin’ thing. Same rules for the boys!
One additional comment to the boys. Pull your dang pants up! I do not need to know what your underwear looks like. That is assuming you are wearing any. In both cases, I assure you that people do not need to know if you are going “commando” or not.
Moving onto women’s cleavage. I realize many gals have beautiful cleavage. I have none. You could put a two-lane expressway between my boobs and still not hit one. I admire the fact that some women have a great “rack”, but I do not need to see ALL of it. This may cause some of you to think that I am jealous. There might be a bit of truth to that thought. I am always staring at women with big, exposed tatas waiting one to spring free from the restraint of clothing. My husband always laughs, because I see the boobs before he does.
I have a few friends with naturally, large bizongas and a few others with surgically assisted large tatas. I have been told that this comes with its own set of issues and problems.
Most women I know with naturally large milk buckets state they dress to hide their breast size. These are the times I see women wearing oversized shirts to diminish the attention to their jugs. I can empathize with this idea. When I was 9 months pregnant with my daughter, I was a 44DD! I felt like a Weeble Wobble that could tip over at any minute. If I had fallen, it would have taken a crane to get me off the ground. Or, if you had a strawberry milkshake from Chick-fil-A, I would have bounced off the floor like a circus performer acrobat to ger that sucker.
Conversely, most of the women I have known to get breast implants cannot even wait for me to shut the door before whipping up their shirts to say, “look at THESE.”
I have known women that would not even undress with another person around before “bigger boobie” surgery, then after surgery, could not keep their shirts down!
I worked with a very shy gal that had this surgery done. And true to my statement, I could not even get the door closed before she had not only whipped up her shirt, but the bra up also to show me her new chest danglers. I was like, “whooo Nellie, that was a bit more than I planned on seeing today.” She was so dang proud of them that I just kept my mouth shut, for once.
The point is not whether you have big ole’ bazongas or smaller tatas, no one needs to see ALL of them unless it involves a steel pole and dollar bills or fives.
Although your cleavage and boobs are alluring, maybe keep some of it covered to “leave something to the imagination?” I say dress to make others think they would like to see more of you than less of you.
This also holds true to the stripper pole. If someone takes a guarded step back when you take off clothing, by all means, put some clothing back on!
I would further pick on men and metrosexuals, but I have no knowledge of what these guys think when they wear stupid shit. That may require research before my next book. I will say if a guy takes longer to get ready than I do or has a smaller butt than me, we cannot be friends. It is just not possible.
If you persist in not following the guidelines laid out here, be prepared for Southern folk to look at you funny, whisper to the people with them or just burst out laughing at you without trying to hide it.
If you are going to continue to violate the rules I have outlined for you here, better be prepared to take a ribbin’. (That means we will give you shit)
So please, before you go out from getting dressed, take a simple moment to look at yourself in a full- length mirror. Look back to front and up and down. See it all.
I promise you whatever you miss, someone else or I will see it immediately! Bless your heart.
We may not say anything to you out loud, but you will surely be able to read the looks on our faces.