Snow is Evil

Snow was invented by Northerners for the sole purpose of making fun of and ticking off Southerners. Northerners, don’t try to lie, bless your heart. Ok, maybe that is not entirely true. Northerners, please do not take offense at my suggestion, but I have caught many of my Northern friends laughing at me about the problems I have with snow.

Northerners claim that Southerners cannot manage their daily lives in snow. This is mostly true. BUT, we do not live here in the South to enjoy snow! That white shit was made for vacations, like skiing in another state! It is not meant for scraping off the car just to clear the windshield, so you can drive to work. It causes traffic jams, car wrecks and generally angry, grumpy employed people that have to drive in it to work.

Southerners are made to seem like we are stupid and inept because we freak out when it snows. That would be because it is partially true. I think snow where you live sucks! If where I live never went below 50 degrees Fahrenheit, I would be happy every day. Just so you realize what I mean, snow cannot happen in 50-degree weather.

Now don’t get all bent out of shape. I have nothing against northerners, well maybe a little.
Every time it snows here in Georgia, news reports are full of interviews with some northerner talking smack about how Southerners cannot handle the snow, we do not know how to drive in the snow, the city does not have the proper equipment to clear the roads, up north this would be a regular day, laughing that schools and businesses are closed, laughing about all the bread, bottled water and milk having been cleared from grocery store shelves, Northerners giving unsolicited advice on how to drive in snow, TV clips with stupid pictures and videos of people spinning out in their cars and so forth.

I have friends that have moved here from northern states. (I may not have any Northerner friends after they read this, though) Every time it snows and I have to listen to Northerners talk about us, I must bite my tongue and dig my finger nails into the palms of my hands in order to not scream an obscenity. Sometimes all my efforts fail me and a few slip out.

If you think we are so backwards and do not like it here, then GO BACK TO THE NORTH. Many of my southern friends agree with me but are to chicken to say it out loud. Did it ever occur to you that we live in the south because it does not snow here often?

When I was growing up in Chamblee, Georgia we wore shorts to school in January! And furthermore, if you love the snow so much, why did you move here in the first place?

One of my daughter’s first experiences with snow was when she was about five years old. It was mostly ice covering the ground with a thin, whisper of snow on top. She was very excited to see the snow on the ground out of her bedroom window. She was jumping up and down! She asked her dad and I to go for a walk to look at the snow.

Now, you should know that I abhor snow with a passion that has no bounds. I mean when someone mentions it may snow, I get angry. I will not even discuss the possibility of snow.

I am a native Floridian and have spent most of my adult life in Atlanta. It rarely snows here, so I get by. Every time it has snowed, I hoped that the president would declare a state of emergency and require no one to leave your neighborhood, much less drive your car. That white stuff can make me cry.

So, now I am faced with the shiny, sparkling, blue eyes of my five-year-old baby girl asking me to go out it the snow! She wanted me to leave the comfort of my warm, cozy home to step out into that white crap. What was she thinking?

Of course, I suited up and got her ready as well. She looked like a mummy in all the clothes she had on and could barely bend her arms. All you could see was her little blue eyes poking through her face mask!

Out of love for my child, I walk outside into the snow. That was an act of love, right there. Did I mention that I despise snow? My precious girl walks outside into the “white wonderland”, gets no more than 20 feet from the door, then BURST into tears! I mean full on “I just feel off a cliff and broke every bone in my body” tears.

My first thought was “uhha, snow and snow weather are cold.” My secret thought to myself was “that’s my true southern girl, you make me so proud!”

Thusly, I took the selfish opportunity to take her back inside to the warm house. I did just that! I sent my husband on his quest to see snow. I asked him to come back before any of his fingers fell off from frost bite. Note, he was not wearing gloves cause “it’s really not that cold outside.” Then why is there snow on the ground?

My husband loves it when it snows. He attempts to walk around outside with as little clothing on as possible and continuously says, “It’s not that cold out here.” Side note, two days later he gets a cold. I’m just sayin’.

The second thing my husband likes to do is suggest we go for a drive to see the snow in the neighborhood. I, of course, immediately put the kibosh on that. So as to work my last nerve, he says he will drive alone around the neighborhood to see if the roads are clear enough to drive on. Whatever. I told him I was not coming to get him if he got stuck!

As luck would have it, the temperature did get above “freeze my buns off” and we did take a short walk to see all the houses covered in snow. We took pictures to document that I did, in fact, walk in the snow further than my own drive way. I assure you that this was a onetime event and will not happen again, if I can help it.

What is the fascination with snow anyway? My husband says that snow is beautiful and snow changes the look of the landscape. My landscape is fine. Send me a post card of snow from Maine or Vermont.

Snow is for post card pictures taken on vacation to VISIT the snow. You get hot chocolate, coffee and pastry sweets and marvel at the beauty of nature and landscape. All these possibilities can be done indoors while you look at the snow that is OUTSIDE.

Snow is not for having to get up at O’dark thirty to go to work. Snow is not conducive to the commute most Atlantan’s must endure each day, which the average is one hour one way! (That is another issue) (I think GA Department of Transportation rode with short bus to school.)

I do have a few friends that are from the north and they have admitted that they moved to Georgia to get away from the snow.  However, I noticed they said it in a whisper so that no one else could hear it but me. I guess you can not be a “card carrying” Northerner if you say you do not like snow.

I do think snow is beautiful, but this is when I am inside with something warm to drink and a crackling fire in the backround. I just do to want to have to walk or drive in that white stuff. I will admit that I am not skilled enough to successfully drive in the snow or ice. It is a good thing that I work from home!

I remember when I was younger, and my folks and I went to visit my aunt in Washington, DC. The snow was so thick and high that we had to walk from the train station to their house, with our luggage! They could not even get their car out to come fetch us! It was misery personified. My mom and I were crying every step of the way, literally. (People say hell is hot, I think cold is worse) I managed to keep my mouth shut about the snow, knowing that I had no choice but to endure. Heck, my aunt was even complaining about the snow for me! It was a long visit to say the least.

So, for the Northerners that move to or visit the South, do not complain to a Southerner about how we handle the snow. It is condescending and down-right rude. If you persist in trying to mock us about how we handle snow, you will be considered a dip shit. When this happens, all Southern rules and manners will be placed on hold. Believe me, we are aware of how we act when it snows.

One thought on “Snow is Evil

Leave a Reply