Questions That May Cause You to “Come to Harm” in the South (Ideas That Stay in Your Head and DO Not Come Out of Your Mouth)

Are you really going to eat that?

Answer: This usually applies to something sweet or heavy in carbs. This automatically makes me think that the person asking me this question thinks that I am fat. I do not care what your intention was when you asked the question. By the time your question has reached the question mark, my brain is plotting your destruction through words. My brain runs through all the other times that I never said what I was thinking about what you were eating. I start trying to dig up the most calculated come back to insult you. So, if you ask me if I am going to eat that piece of chocolate cake, the answer is yes, but I am not finished with you. Do not think that by my moment of my silence, after you ask me this question, that I have no reply. Once my brain has settled on my reply, you can count on some “doossies.” Such as, “So let me ask you, those jeans on the top shelf of your closet, that are from high school, you know the ones with dust bunnies all over them, do they still fit?” or “a piece of cake is not something I eat every day, not like your constant consumption of M n M’s that you keep on your desk that you say are “for the other people in the office”.

Do you participate in volunteer work?

Answer: What? I barely have time to spit. Do you have any idea of the amount of crap that I have to do every day just to keep my home and family operational? My kid thinks that all I do for her is volunteer work every day, as it is. My husband thinks that clean sheets and beer appears in the house by some winged fairies. My family seems to believe that food “lands” in the pantry and the refrigerator by a lark that shops and delivers. How do you think those clean clothes end up in your drawers and closets? I assure you that it is no fairy. Now, volunteer work is much needed, and some places rely on volunteers to operate. I get that. I have done volunteer work in the past. It’s the politics of volunteer work that wore me out. It seemed to me that there was more “drama” going on than “work.” So, to answer your question, no.

Is the weight listed on your driver’s license accurate?

Answer: I am laughing so hard that I peed my pants. Of course, it is accurate…when I was 16 years old. Let me ask you a few questions, Captain Obvious. Have you seen a scale in this decade? Please tell me you know what a scale does? By the looks of you, it has been awhile since you stepped on one, unless you broke the last one. Oh wait, the county fair or carnival, maybe? Did you win a stuffed animal at the “guess my weight” booth?

Note to self: Asking this question is probably the number one way to come to harm, in the South.

Have you ever asked this question to a woman with a good result? If you have asked it more than once, then you are too far gone for any help. If I have to explain to you why you do not ask this question, then you are too stupid, not ignorant, to understand the explanation. At least ignorant people can be taught, stupid is incurable.

Why are you not married?

Answer: Because too many people I meet are just like you! How many times have I heard the statement, “what is a nice girl like you not having a husband?”  Number one reason, men are expensive! When I was dating, I dated such pond scum, life force sucking guys that I ended up paying for almost everything! I dated a guy for a while that was such a loser that he never paid for meals out. He got so comfortable with me paying the check, that when the server brought the check to him, he would keep talking and slide the check over to me. Sad part is, I paid it! Of course, he always had an excuse. It always struck me funny that he never brought his wallet when we went out. Finally, I got wise and understood that I was stupid (not ignorant) to continue dating this person. I later thought if I had married him that I would be working two jobs while he sat at home watching sports and drinking beer on a couch, all of which I probably paid for.

I also dated some guys that just wanted to “date” forever. These guys were not interested in getting married, ever, or being faithful either. It was like trying to catch a greased pig in a thunderstorm. They always had an excuse such as “they need to focus their career”, or “I just came out of a bad relationship.” I later realized it had a lot to do with fact that these guys were always in pursuit of the next set of big tits.

How many times have you been married?

Answer: So far? or what do I predict in my lifetime to come? This does not require an answer, but maybe an anvil to the foot or the privates.

Second answer: Which number would you like to be, honey? I am looking for another Dip-Shit and you fit the bill.

Is that your natural hair color?

Answer: (Did someone drop you on your head as a baby?) Of course, it is not my “natural” hair color. Most Southern women do not even know what their natural hair color is for a reason. We are expected to play hostess and need “hair assistance” to maintain that status. Your input/questions are uninvited, vulgar and just plain rude. Have you taken a good look in the mirror recently, Tarzan? Old, dried up, crusty and gray does not handsome make Also, please clip you nose hairs and ear hairs. If I can braid either hairs, they are too long.

Are you pregnant?

Answer: I do not care if you are asking this question to her while she is giving birth. At this point, there is no help for you and you probably need to move and I mean far away. I mean really, do you ever hear a Southern woman ask you about your “sagging nether regions” or your protruding beer gut? Both are probably hanging so low you need a sling.

How much money do you make a year?

Answer: What? By the looks of you, I make a lot more than you do or ever will. Are you with the IRS, by chance? When was the last time you held a job that did not require you to wear a name tag and make you smell like fried burger and fries? Weren’t you the guy I dated that lives in his mother’s basement?

How many people have you had “relations”?

Answer: None of your dang business.

Second answer: How is this question going to enhance our relationship/friendship? Do you have a number in mind that constitutes “too many or too few”? Do I get to see photographs of some of the “close to circus act” people you have dated? (This is not an episode of Sex in the City.) Asking this question is like opening Pandora’s box, you may not want to know the answer.

How old are you?

Answer: I am 29 and have been for over 30 years.

Second answer: Did you just ask that? Did your mama ever tell you that you do not ask women this question? Were you raised by wolves or in a barn? I will say that I am old enough to buy your beer though.

Is that what you are going to wear?

Answer: I was until you asked. I spent a lot of time to look like this and now I have to go back upstairs and start all over! Maybe while I am changing my clothes, you could locate a hair brush or toothbrush. Furthermore, you might as well change out that white T-shirt with the big ole’ ketchup stain that you have been wearing since last Tuesday.

Guys, let me give you a little piece of unsolicited advice. If you are planning on asking any of these questions, consider the ramifications. I have tried to encourage you to “think before you speak.” If you are not able to understand this concept, then march on with “your bad self.” However, my answers were tame compared to many women that I know who are not interested in your opinions.

If you choose to venture into this “Bermuda Triangle” of these questions, I suggest you invest in lots of bags of frozen peas. I hear they are the best ice pack for any bruising to the facial area. FYI, some women “shoot lower” than the face. I’m just sayin’.

3 thoughts on “Questions That May Cause You to “Come to Harm” in the South (Ideas That Stay in Your Head and DO Not Come Out of Your Mouth)

  1. You are refreshingly accurate and I applaud you!! Keep up the good work (writing) and please dispense that advice to the many “men” that need it. The women of the world thank you.

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