I Recently Discovered That I Am Old

I realize that every birthday makes you a year older. Duh. What I did not realize is that others keep track of your birthdays and how much older you get each year. This is alarming. Don’t you have better things to do with your time?

I do not feel any different after each passing birthday. Well, maybe with the exception that some of my personal parts “have traveled south” on me.

I do feel like I have grown wiser, but not older. That being said, I feel like the warranty on my body expired at the age of 40! I feel like now when I “break” stuff in my body that I do not bounce back like I did when I was 20.

Who decides what age constitutes old? Younger people? They do not know anything about being old. Most younger people I know cannot even do the math for a tip at a restaurant without their cell phone calculator.

The changes that have occurred since I found out that I was old have been slow but steady. I now have a chronic problem locating my car keys on a daily basis.

Sometimes when I am leaving my house I have to stop and “take stock” of myself before going out. The list includes: did I remember to put on deodorant? Where did I put my cell phone? Did I remember to put on underwear?

I remember one day I was trying to leave the house to go to work and I was on my phone talking to someone. I was getting dressed, while still on the phone. I was deep in conversation while I got downstairs to gather my stuff. As I got my things together, I placed my hand on the doorknob to leave. As I turned the doorknob, I realized that I was not wearing a shirt! I almost walked out of my house to my car with just a bra on top. I did have on pants and shoes, but my upper body was exposed. This is not a site that needs to be seen. Thankfully, I did not open the door. This is why I have a new “self” rule. I am never on the phone when I am trying to get out of the house!

I remember another time I was “on the phone” trying to leave the house. I kept walking in circles trying to find my cell phone. It took me several minutes to realize that I was ON the phone that I was looking for! E-gads!

According to my daughter, these behaviors make me old. She is nine and does not get to vote on this issue. Unfortunately, I tend to agree with her, but don’t tell her. She will gloat.

Now that I am old, these are some behaviors that I have noted about myself:
I find that I am now reading labels on the food that I buy.

I do not order certain foods due to the salt content.

I do not buy clothes that hinder my movement, as I seriously do not like being uncomfortable in the things I wear.

I do not wear high heels because I have a propensity to fall down in them.

I do not go to a gym because it is boring, and you are supposed to work out when you are there.

I will sit in my car at a drive thru window line with 59 cars in front of me rather than park and go inside.

I do not buy anything that needs to be ironed or dry cleaned. I do not own an iron anyway.

I get very aggravated in crowds.

I cannot sleep through the night without having to get up to go potty, at least once.

I will drive around and around a parking lot so that I get a parking space close to the door.

If you have agreed with more than three of my gripes, you are officially an old fart. Alas, being old has its advantages!

For starters, you get to do most of what you want to do. You get to talk smack about “the kids today”. You get to say “no” to things you do not want to do.

One thing I can say that getting older helps with is now I am better able to tell when people are lyin’. I am not sayin’ I have not lied or not been lied too. I am saying that I can better tell when someone is trying to BS me. You know what I am talking about, if you are over the age of 30.

I watch their faces when they are talking and when a lie comes out, it changes. It could be an eye flutter, a small gasp after speaking or even a lip curl. All of these are indicators that someone is being less than truthful. Maybe the person does not mean to lie or may not be aware that they are lying. But I can tell.

I have also noticed all the physical changes to my body. You know how little kids run everywhere. I don’t do that. I am afraid I would break my ankle.

There are now clear lines on my face, my toes are not “cute little piggies” anymore and I have little hairs on my chin that were not there before.

So, I try to recall funny lines about aging that make me laugh. As Truvy stated in Steel Magnolias, “honey, time marches on and eventually you realize it’s marchin’ across your face.” True that!

There is no real way to stop aging, so I try to take it in stride. I am thankful for face cream and compact powder. I have never considered plastic surgery because it scares the pants off of me and I don’t want my face to look like a jigsaw puzzle gone bad.

However, if I get one more cotton pickin’ letter for membership to AARP, I am going to scream!

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